My ego is a stubborn and bloated thing, a dragon that lounges on its hoard. At some point in my life I created the dragon, and at first it was good. It kept me safe in a scary world. I relied on the dragon more and more, as my world expanded and there were more things to fear. I drew power from it, and my own power dwindled. The more I relied on my ego, the more it demanded payment and sacrifice. It was hungry and voracious. There didn’t seem to be a limit to its appetite. I realized that my ego’s fondest wish is to look out onto the world and declare that “this is all mine” and “this is all me”, for that is its ultimate purpose, to perpetuate itself.
Sometimes my ego invents fears, manipulates my emotions, positive or negative it’s all the same, as long as it can survive. It whispers judgments and praises into my ear. The praises are the most manipulative. It understands my needs, my fears, which makes sense since I created it. I keep it alive by caring, by paying attention to my ego. I cultivate it even as I realize it’s a pain in the ass. One day I opened my eyes and there it was, my cruel and majestic ego, splayed out obscenely atop my consciousness, knowing there was no way in hell I was going to be rid of it. Even now, writing this, my ego smiles and chuckles because it knows that I can never escape my incessant fears and needs.
I can’t defeat my ego. I can’t make it go away. Its scaly hide stretches across the horizon. Every direction I turn I feel its presence. I can’t unmake something I’ve made. I can only make something else. This new thing will be neither good nor bad. It will just be. It will not need to win. It will not need to be better than. It will not need to be right. It will just be. It will not need my protection from the dragon, just my attention. My ego will be curious, and afraid. It will throw a fit. It will cajole and coerce me to unmake this new thing. But what is made, cannot be unmade. Every word I write feeds and nurtures my ego. Every thought I have sustains it in some way. But there is a new presence, my real self, my higher self, that shines brightly. Despite the attacks of the dragon, this higher self shines. It tells me to share this, and I listen.