I woke up early again today, filled with gratitude, hope, and anxiety.
I asked J if she feels like she deserved better than the life I’ve been able to give her, which to some people would feel like being put on the spot, and maybe it is, but that’s the kind of thing I think about.
My sense of gratitude is inextricably linked to my relationship with J, the love she’s shown me, the trials we’ve been through, the joys we’ve shared. My love affair with her goes from feeling like selfishness on my part to being an example of my best qualities as a man.
She said that I’ve given her everything I’ve got, which is both heartening and disheartening.
I suppose I had visions, believed in illusions, and had delusions about what life, and myself, was all about. It seems like I’ve always struggled with wanting to belong, while at the same time wanting to be my own person.
She told me that yes, the life we have is the life she wants, and in some way that gives me purpose, and somehow motivates me to do even better.