Big Fluffy Clouds

The clouds were big and fluffy today as I did my walking meditation to the recycle bin. I’m learning more about borderline personality disorder, which seems like what I’ve been suffering from all these years, but I’m not qualified to diagnose that — aside from living it. If it quacks like a duck, and all that.

BPD may have something to do with my fascination with the structure of the mind. When you’re lost in the labyrinth of your own mind, there’s ample opportunity to study the architecture.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, the ego is something like a mask we wear, and by mask, I mean the face other people see when they look at you, and the one you see in the mirror, and the accompanying thoughts, feelings, and beliefs you have about yourself and others.

When people see you, they have thoughts about you, and you have thoughts about them. When you look in the mirror, you have thoughts about yourself, and thoughts about those thoughts, ad infinitum.

Now, from what I’ve learned about BPD, and my own life, there’s something peculiar about this ego-mask. It’s like I realize I’m wearing a mask, and I can see that everyone else is, too, but no one’s saying anything about it, and it FREAKS me out.

Sometimes it seems like a raw deal to have a dysfunctional ego, but I don’t think the ego is all there is to us, anyway.



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5 thoughts on “Big Fluffy Clouds”

  1. Ego is not all there is, luckily. I too know what you mean about the whole mask thing, it’s a weird feeling. When I’m in a social situation and I notice it, I stop dead in my tracks and need some time to recover before I can interact again. Don’t worry my friend, other’s feel the same things as you and you’re not alone in this.


  2. I don’t think most people recognize they’re wearing a mask or have a persona they present to the world. It’s fairly normal for people to identify with their persona and forget they have an authentic Self underneath. People with certain personality disorders, Autism/Asperger’s Syndrome, etc. can have trouble forming a stable persona. “Normal” people identify with the ego even though it’s problematic for Spiritual growth and psychological health because it’s easy. Well, easy for neurologically typical people-not those with certain personality disorders and developmental issues. Whereas a normal person has to try an rid themselves of their ego (for spiritual growth) those of us with atypical brains actually can achieve spiritual growth easier. So being “abnormal” in the sense that you haven’t got a solid ego or persona is not a totally bad thing. Mind you it does make for a certain social awkwardness though.


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