In my enthusiasm while writing the previous post, I didn’t talk about the event that triggered my hit of clarity. As some of you may know, I’ve been working on a painting for a client which has hit some bumps in the road along the way. My artistic process is quite personal. I pour myself into my work, and vice versa. It’s definitely a relationship between me and my muse.
I’m at a point where all the pieces of my life are coming together. I’m still working on the puzzle, but I have a sense of the picture I’m wanting to make, so it’s a lot more fun. I could just as easily use painting as an analogy. The current painting I’m working on is at the point where I can see the finish line, and that’s always an important moment. The way I feel about my work is intimately connected with the way I feel about myself.
Anyway, before I forget, I opened up the painting (almost mechanically), because I haven’t felt good at how much time I’ve spent on it. When I glanced at it, the first hit of clarity was that I liked what I saw. Then it hit me – not for the first time, but very clearly this time – how I had two different perspectives about the same thing. I could viscerally feel the part of my mind that was self-critical, almost like it was another person. This has also happened in my relationships with people, especially my parents. I know that I’ve finally severed the attachments and identifications I’ve had – not only to these inner voices – but also to the voices of others.