Liver Forever and Just Like Heaven cover songs on acoustic guitar.
It’s another wake up from a dream at 3am (technically 2) kind of night. I did my usual things, and also having a – the more things change, the more they stay the same – kind of moment.
As I was browsing through some older entries, I reminisced about the ups and downs of life, how people have come and gone, yet here I am still writing on my blog. I think of it as keeping myself honest.
I’m not one to dish out advice. I have a hard enough time taking my own. I believe in figuring out my own path and letting others figure out theirs.
You can say you’re letting go and moving on, but one of the hardest things to let go of is that sense of identity. The new way of life is going to feel very unfamiliar. It really is like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.
Sometimes it’s the pain that reminds us to stay on the new path. The old way is so obviously not wanted that we’re determined never to go back. Pain can be useful like that.
Of course, there comes a day when we realize that this is the path we’re supposed to be on, and no power on earth can keep us from it. I get glimpses of that feeling, like sunlight peeking through clouds. That’s when I see that this is a journey of the heart.
To be honest with you, in this life, I don’t know how to separate myself from the roles that I play. I also don’t know how to not play a role. For example, I don’t just write, but I’m playing the role of a writer.
Is there some holistic, penultimate, unifying person that I’m supposed to be? The Self? Maybe, but I’m not completely aware of it.
So I continue to play the various roles of my life, all the while being aware that I’m doing it. There’s someone there at the heart of the matter who feels like me, but he/she/it is invisible and often imperceptible.
I woke up from yet another dream at 3am, which tends to happen when I’m going through big changes in my life. In my dream, I literally had a phone call that woke me up. My mind’s a prankster.
As I’m thumb typing this post – about to go back to sleep – I’m conscious of wanting to be less conscious. What I mean is that I associate dreaming with my subconscious (whatever that is). I want to write this from a spontaneous place.
“Through thick and thin” is a sentiment that’s important to me, but instead of applying it to other people, I’m applying it to my relationship with myself.
I woke up from a dramatic dream at 3am and consulted the I Ching about its meaning. That led to several more questions, and the answers had to do with blocking my own progress, needing to maintain equilibrium, being impartial, and prioritizing. I want to make myself, my life, and my work a top priority.
Things have shifted on a deep level. It’s easy to lose focus, so focusing needs to become a habit. It’s all about priorities.
Pretty much all I do these days is a way for me to focus on making myself a priority. Stop putting others first to the detriment of my own life. I’m learning to value myself in a healthy way.
Sometimes it can be frustrating to take small steps after what seems like more than enough time and effort was put into something, but that’s the true work.
Even after all these years I find myself taking small steps; one letter at a time, one word after another, one sentence following the next until paragraphs are formed.
My sense of self has never been stable, and what I know about myself is that I’m constantly changing, but there is a center of gravity.