A rather stunning revelation I’ve had is that I don’t treat myself fairly…at all. Well, I’ve suspected it for a while, but these days I’m really onto it. Some of the most revealing insights come to us as we’re waking up.
Crossing the Threshold
I believe in the Hero’s Journey, and right now it feels like I’m crossing the threshold. Things have happened in such a way that I can never go back to who I thought I was. Being free is completely exciting and terrifying in turns.
Why can I be so passionate about other people, so eager to please, but feel so cold and negligent towards myself? I’m not letting myself off the hook until I can truly answer the question. Layers of illusions peel away when we fearlessly get to the heart of the matter.
You know you’re in a good spot emotionally when life becomes amusing. I find it amusing that as my previous relationship was coming to an end, I was literally saying that I had insecurities I wanted to overcome, but just saying it didn’t change anything. The break-up had to happen before I experienced what it was like to become a secure person. Now that I’m a secure person – meaning I don’t need someone else to do anything for me to be happy – I feel free.
I wanted freedom, but I also didn’t want to break up. As it turned out, the break-up happened anyway, and now I’m free, which is actually what I want. Can we be free and still be in a relationship? I think so, but I know that my desire for freedom is the most important thing for me, and going against that isn’t an option, so any relationship would have to respect each person’s freedom.
The truth is, I’m discovering a new way to love and have relationships. It’s about being happy in and of yourself, and meeting other people who are happy in of themselves, and being together for as long as it feels good. We only add to each others’ company, but nothing is taken away from who we are as individuals.
I’ve probably written at least one article while I was drunk, and I know I’ve written some while I was hungover. In any case, I was out day drinking with my old friend, and I’m definitely buzzing as I write this.
It was lots of fun to hang out with her, and I don’t know if she’ll read this, but I’ve always thought she was attractive, and I still do. My blog isn’t a big secret from the people I know, but I also don’t advertise it. Anyway, I’m embracing my single guy status.
I love this new found freedom where I get to feel good about something, and feel satisfied with just that. It means I don’t really care what the outcome is. No one has to do anything for me to feel happy, and by being this way, I’m more lighthearted and cheerful about life, which happens to be attractive.
I’m blessed to have family and friends. I like that some of them still talk to me, and the ones that don’t will eventually come around.
I woke up at 3:33 am, and thought about this Rumi quote:
“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you
Don’t go back to sleep!
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep!
People are going back and forth
across the door sill where the two worlds touch,
The door is round and open
Don’t go back to sleep!”
So I decided to write something.
The thoughts that come to me are about how blessed I feel, how every breath and moment holds so much meaning. Just thinking and feeling blessed can sometimes move me to tears, but now I realize it’s because my ego sometimes feels overwhelmed at how worthy it truly is, trying as it might to prove itself.
When we move from the paradigm of proving our worth to knowing our worth, every single particle of the universe looks different. It’s as if we can see for the first time. Will we like everything we see? No, but we’ll see its worth. When this shift in our perspective happens, we’ve moved from living from the outside in, to living from the inside out.
Living from the outside in is all about looking to others for direction — what do others think we should be, do, or have — while living from the inside out means we look to ourselves for our direction in life. We decide for ourselves what we want to be, do, or have.
When we’re living from the inside out, we communicate with others in order to learn something new and enjoy each others company, but we don’t need others to tell us what to do, how to think, or how to feel about anything, and vice versa.
We allow people to be who they are. We set everyone free. From the ego’s point of view, it takes courage in order to be free. It’s like releasing a wild animal that’s been kept in captivity. It’s cautious at first, but its free spirit soon takes over.