You can say you’re letting go and moving on, but one of the hardest things to let go of is that sense of identity. The new way of life is going to feel very unfamiliar. It really is like a caterpillar changing into a butterfly.
Sometimes it’s the pain that reminds us to stay on the new path. The old way is so obviously not wanted that we’re determined never to go back. Pain can be useful like that.
Of course, there comes a day when we realize that this is the path we’re supposed to be on, and no power on earth can keep us from it. I get glimpses of that feeling, like sunlight peeking through clouds. That’s when I see that this is a journey of the heart.
I woke up from yet another dream at 3am, which tends to happen when I’m going through big changes in my life. In my dream, I literally had a phone call that woke me up. My mind’s a prankster.
As I’m thumb typing this post – about to go back to sleep – I’m conscious of wanting to be less conscious. What I mean is that I associate dreaming with my subconscious (whatever that is). I want to write this from a spontaneous place.
“Through thick and thin” is a sentiment that’s important to me, but instead of applying it to other people, I’m applying it to my relationship with myself.
Yesterday felt surreal, and my heart has heavy clouds, but there’s also clarity. Bena’s consciousness left her body in a moment of grace, and I wept as I held her, but also felt relieved. I slept for a while this evening, then woke up and went outside to light some incense next to her tree.
It’s been an emotional year and a half, which I’ve shared with you. Things have dramatically changed, and I’m not the same person I used to be. I believe I’m a better man than before.
More than ever, I realize that I’m not here to change anyone else but myself. I’m here to discover who I truly am, and to be that. It all starts (and ends) with appreciating all of it.
I’m glad to have some time to write. My dad told the people renting garage space at the shop that they have a month left, then they have to move on. It’s a big step for everyone involved.
I got stopped at the railroad crossing, waiting for the train to go by. It’s sometimes hard to sum up all of the changes I’m experiencing. I’m doing my best to go with the flow.
Clarity and focus are good things to have. I feel more and more stable, and centered within myself. Life experiences really can make you stronger if you choose for it to be that way.
I feel responsible for my blog and its readers, and it’s encouraging to write an article and get feedback. Although I’m living a different life, and doing different things, I’m essentially the same person. Things are different and the same.
Without fully realizing it, I’ve become more selfless. I still want what I want, but I’m not so preoccupied by it, because I have higher priorities. It’s not that I’m trying to be a good person, it’s that I like things that are good.
There’s an area next to the shop where I go to pee, and also take a minute to be by myself. I like the plants that grow there, and the shade. As a cool breeze shook the leaves, I thought how this time and place was just as spiritual as any other.
I’m sitting on the hood of my car at my dad’s shop, enjoying the evening breeze. My hand is numb from practicing guitar, working on cars, and cleaning the shop. I continue to adjust to my new life, while also being who I’ve always been.
I guess my dad could be called an alcoholic, but there’s value in being with him right now. I sense a bigger story taking place, and I’m going with the flow. I often feel happy, and that’s a sign that I’m on the right path, and yet, things can change overnight.
I feel like my life makes more sense now; I have a more complete understanding of my experiences. I’ve definitely moved beyond whatever fears I might have had before. I’m glad I get to write about and share what I’m living.
In less than a week, my life is profoundly different, and I’ve gained even more clarity. This is a helluva way to end a year that was already full of changes.
While my life is sometimes bewildering, it’s also fun, and every day is an adventure. I’m learning a lot of things that are adding to my self-improvement journey, like knowing that I can enjoy situations that I might have been afraid of before.
I’m sitting on a paint can watching over my dad’s shop while he takes a nap. There are several cats (and some raccoons) that live in or around the shop. I have to admit they’re growing on me, especially a little one that me and my dad think is somehow connected to my uncle that recently died at the shop. My mom started talking to me again, and I went over to her place while no one was there, and checked on my own cat. I’ve already written a lot about my life, and I see that I’ve barely scratched the surface.