I’m rediscovering fun; things like watching movies, listening to music, painting, and writing. It used to be easy, but now it feels like I have to learn how to do it all over again. These days, everything seems to trigger bad memories; even good ones can turn bad on a dime.
I can feel the resistance – the blocks, the obstacles, the anxiety, the depression, the antagonism – but I choose to no longer fight with myself. Instead, I’m there for myself no matter what; something that was missing before. Now I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness.
Because I’m watching more movies, I’m seeing my life as a story (even more so than usual). Dreams I’ve had since I was a kid are starting to come true. Now it’s that part in the movie where the main character has to take a leap of faith.
We can call it giving up, retreating, or letting go, but maybe resigning is a more neutral term for withdrawing our energy from a futile endeavor. The anxiety and worry I’ve felt for as long as I’ve written this blog is like a fitfully sleeping dragon. The cycle of appeasement, in which I throw hapless victims into its hungry maw, is never ending.
Standing Our Ground
It is a process of letting go, of not trying to control the dragon of anxiety and worry. The dragon is obsessive, and the compulsion is to fight or flee. But what if we just stood our ground, and prove to ourselves (once and for all) that we won’t be burned by its flames?
Making the Unfamiliar Familiar
Anxiety and worry can become a habit, and habits can become our identity. The familiar way is to find the anxiety intolerable, while the unfamiliar is to be OK with it. So I don’t think anxiety and worry helps me, but I also don’t give it the power to hurt me, either.
I have found that in being true to myself, compromise is compromising, and it is a weakness. I know when I’ve compromised myself, and that is always the greatest source of regret. It’s when you let yourself down that hurts the most.
I’ve strengthened my inner strength by not letting myself down, being my own best friend, and supporting myself, no matter how difficult it was at first.
My self-worth used to come from other people and external things, and it felt nearly impossible to unplug from that, but it is possible, and for me, the only way to live happily.
Approval-seeking and people-pleasing is an emotional addiction, and the only way out (that I’ve found) is to become hooked on your own soul.
Today, I’m as free as the day I was born. I feel innocent and pure. Not because I’m doing anything, but because I’ve chosen to be uncompromisingly true to myself.
My theme for this year is re-inventing myself, and one of the main things I’m re-inventing is being OK with anxiety; not avoiding, fighting, or overcoming it, but rather just being fine with it. It is what it is. The less attention I give it, the quieter it becomes.
The Path of Least Resistance
Anxiety, along with pretty much everything else, can be transcended by taking the path of least resistance. I can say that with conviction because I’ve spent years combating anxiety, but you know what, as I sit here today, it’s still there. But it’s not paralyzing, and I don’t feel depressed about it, and that’s huge.
Be the Anxiety
Trying to go toe-to-toe with anxiety merely perpetuates it. Much of it is fueled by thoughts, anyway. I consciously choose to not do anything about it, and lo and behold, the knot unravels.
I was looking for the love of my mother, father, women, men, employers, and even strangers, but finally saw that the love I was seeking was my own. In my darkest hour, all I could say was “God loves me” over and over, and that turned out to be the truth. Self-hatred was such a burden; poisonous, dark and destructive.
So where am I now?
Well, the self-hatred is still there, sometimes, but I don’t think it’s real; no more real than self-love. I see that I can choose either one, and not blame; not give up my power. I can reclaim and remember my birthright.
I know who I truly am.
What came before is an interesting story, but it’s all just stories in the end.
My big realization today was that we have to want alignment (with our true self) more than we want anything else. That’s the only way I’ve found to overcome deep unhappiness. We have to want alignment more than anything else, because that’s where everything comes from.
More and more, I see that everything I experience comes from my alignment, and not from anything outside of me. The more I try to control external things, the more I lose my power. Wanting alignment is the same as wanting to be in your true power.
Being in alignment is being aligned with the universe. I no longer wish to give my power away. I choose to be in alignment with my True Self.
There’s value in taking the high road. When given the choice between loving or hating, we can choose to love. In life, we may encounter situations in which we think, “that doesn’t seem right”, but we can choose to take the high road.
And what’s the high road? It’s the middle way. We each have our own inner compass to guide us.
I allow others to follow their inner compass while I follow mine. I put my faith and trust in my inner guidance rather than in the behaviors and words of others. The leading edge of life is in being your own person.