Attracting Like-Hearted People

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I’ve just had a realization about most of the relationships I’ve experienced so far, and why I’ve often struggled with them. I’m deeply honest and sincere, and while that may seem like a virtue, in many relationships (that I’ve experienced) that’s actually something people are afraid of. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for me to be sincere, but that I’m just not around like-minded (or ‘like-hearted’) people.

For example, I understand that people are going to be self-interested; I believe in that, actually. However, let’s say someone in a (romantic) relationship with me says they would be happier by ending the relationship–I genuinely support that–but what I don’t support is not being honest and up-front about it, and basically making me the bad guy in order to have an excuse to break up. Or maybe someone is talking about improving their life in some way; I wholeheartedly care and want them to do it, and I want to support them in whatever way I’m able to.

What I don’t like (or understand) is when I’m talking about improving my life–or being honest and sincere with someone–and I’m met with disinterest, falseness, or even passive-aggressiveness. Because I very much want to get along with people, I used to contort myself in all sorts of ways that ultimately left me feeling depressed. Now, instead of beating up and betraying myself, I choose to stand by my values and attract people who value the same things as I do.

Sincerely,

G.B.M.

Respecting Resistance (Growing Wise)

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I woke up from an emotional and visceral dream, and realized it was the second day of a new year. I appreciate and perform my usual waking up rituals, and feel thankful for what I get to experience. I’m making peace with aspects of my life which seemed mountainous.

Yesterday, I focused on respecting resistance. Resistance is resistance, and deserves respect. Respect is respect, and something I choose to cultivate and have.

Knowledge and wisdom are priceless. To grow in knowledge and wisdom is worth its weight in experience. Soon, I’ll go back to sleep.

~ GBM

Gaining Experience Points

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I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll just start writing. Lately, I’ve been gaining experience points out the wazoo; leveled up, you could say. Every day continues to be an adventure.

I bathe outside, which is surprisingly fun. All the skills I’ve learned over the years are being put to use. My dad is teaching me guitar and getting me interested in music he listened to when he was younger. We have strange and interesting conversations, such as the one in which I learned that he thinks my face looks “pretty OK.”

He supports my artistic endeavors, and I want to work with him at his shop, and continue being an artist, writer, and storyteller.

~ GBM

Starting the Week (Mom, Dad, and Life)

Yesterday, I hung out with my dad for a bit, and it was fun. If you’ll recall, I took on the challenge of cleaning his shop, and last week, I did some hardcore cleaning. In fact, it took me a while to recover from it. Since then, I’m glad that he didn’t revert completely back to his old ways. It was tolerable, and I just threw out some trash. His buddy showed up, and I have funny tales about that dude, but maybe I’ll share them another time. Both of them gave me some tips and tricks for playing the guitar, so that was cool.

I woke up today, or rather, my mom woke me up, which was an early sign of annoyance, but I think the annoyance factor probably started earlier. Her being annoying to me is just an outward manifestation of my annoyance with myself. I feel frustrated by my Work/Vocation Life Area right now, but I want to focus on what’s working.

Sometimes, when I focus on what I don’t like, that feels bad, of course, but then I know that the things I’ve experienced and learned are things that I truly want to be experiencing and learning, so it’s all part of the process. For example, within every person I interact with, there are things I like and don’t like about them, and I can choose to focus on the things I like, and leave the rest.

~ GBM

Letting Go and Moving On (More and More)

It’s interesting that my ex-girlfriend’s family, who I’ve long considered part of my family, are avoiding me. Although it can be painful, I’ve learned a lot about myself, other people, and life because of this experience. They used to introduce me as their son, and I took that to heart. I was with my ex for over 15 years, and of course, one of the main questions was “why aren’t you guys married?”

That’s a good question, actually. Obviously, on some level, we didn’t want to get married. I asked her to be engaged, but she didn’t seem that enthusiastic, which was one of several instances in which I wondered about how truly in love she was. Maybe I deceived myself, and made our relationship more than it was in reality. Which begs the question “why did she stay with me for so long?” I don’t know.

The truth is – and I don’t care if her or her family or anyone else cares about or believes this – is that I love my ex-girlfriend with all of my heart, and I love her family very much. In fact, I spent more time with them than my blood relatives, but I was torn between having a bright, shiny, and new life with my ex’s family, and reconciling the difficulties I had with my own.

Was there a better way for me to handle things? Maybe, but I know that I did my best. I understand the benefit of letting all of this go, but I need to say what’s in my heart, to show myself (at least) that I’m being sincere. I’ve reached out, and it’s up to them whether they want to accept me or not. I always do my best to look at things from their point of view.

I’ve always considered my ex’s feelings in everything we did together. Neither one of us were perfect, but I loved what we experienced. I would respond in a better way to certain things – being who I am now (which couldn’t be possible without our relationship in the first place) – but I don’t have regrets. Not getting married, not having kids, and my relationship with her family, was my way of showing love and respect for my ex.

I know that the best thing might be to let go and move on, and I’m doing that more and more.

~ GBM

Bumper Bowling through Life

When does confidence become recklessness? When does it become arrogance? No one can tell you the answer, because you have to experience it for yourself. Having no confidence makes you timid, but over-confidence can lead to a downfall. My parents represent both ends of the spectrum for me, so I have personality traits of both anxiety and audacity. I do my best to walk the middle way.

The middle way is your way, and you figure it out like bumper bowling. Go too far to the left, it knocks you back to the middle; go too far to the right, it knocks you back to the middle. Eventually you learn to navigate without getting knocked back and forth so much.

Here’s an excerpt from the first post of my blog, written eight years ago.

I’m going to try and have a writing ritual everyday, which means this journal will be an eclectic mix of topics…I began keeping journals a few years ago, and write in them everyday…I’ve focused on having some kind of narrative voice/style/what-have-you.

I have a lot of topics I want to write about; art, life…well, what more is there but art and life? I don’t profess to know anything special about these topics. Quite the opposite, really. The hope is that by writing about it I can clarify my thoughts, and use this electronic medium (wow, I sound like an old man) to communicate with others. And that’s the point of my artistic endeavors anyway; to communicate ideas.

All kinds of extraordinary things have happened from then till now, but the reason I’m pointing this out (to myself, mostly) is to show what it means to have a far-reaching vision. Some of those years went by in a blur, some felt excruciatingly slow, but who I am has always been in one place experiencing each moment.

~ GBM

Growing Emotionally

You know how you can’t really tell you’re physically growing until one day you look in the mirror and think, wow, I look different! Well, emotional growth is similar, and you can’t really tell you’ve grown until you think about something and realize that you feel very different about it. It’s like the old emotions don’t fit or matter as much anymore.

That’s what I’m experiencing a lot of these days. I’ll think about something that used to bother me, or experience something that I’d react to in a certain way, and the main thing is that I’ll either find it amusing, or realize that it doesn’t matter. Sometimes the old emotions are still there, but now I’m supportive of myself about it.

Last year, I was dipping into feelings of despair, and I learned to support myself through it. Now I seldom feel despair, but I do feel angry at times (anger is a step up from despair) and I continue to be my own friend.

We naturally grow emotionally, but sometimes we need to direct the growth by nourishing ourselves with positive feeling experiences. As we grow our good feelings, the bad stuff will fall away like so much dead weight.

~ GBM