I’ve just had a realization about most of the relationships I’ve experienced so far, and why I’ve often struggled with them. I’m deeply honest and sincere, and while that may seem like a virtue, in many relationships (that I’ve experienced) that’s actually something people are afraid of. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for me to be sincere, but that I’m just not around like-minded (or ‘like-hearted’) people.
For example, I understand that people are going to be self-interested; I believe in that, actually. However, let’s say someone in a (romantic) relationship with me says they would be happier by ending the relationship–I genuinely support that–but what I don’t support is not being honest and up-front about it, and basically making me the bad guy in order to have an excuse to break up. Or maybe someone is talking about improving their life in some way; I wholeheartedly care and want them to do it, and I want to support them in whatever way I’m able to.
What I don’t like (or understand) is when I’m talking about improving my life–or being honest and sincere with someone–and I’m met with disinterest, falseness, or even passive-aggressiveness. Because I very much want to get along with people, I used to contort myself in all sorts of ways that ultimately left me feeling depressed. Now, instead of beating up and betraying myself, I choose to stand by my values and attract people who value the same things as I do.
The treasure I seek is self-realization, but the great fear I have is letting go of the belief that I have to do something, that I have to prove my worth, or be somebody. It’s a paradox. The more I try to be who I am, the more I can’t be who I am.
What if we accepted that everything is unfolding perfectly? That it has always unfolded perfectly, and will always unfold perfectly. There’s a part of me that’s terrified to accept that–recoils at the thought–and yet it’s a deep understanding and key to the universe.
Where does meaningfulness come from? I don’t know, but I know it’s something we can feel. Our own unique path will always feel meaningful to us.
We all have things that we fear. I mean real fear; the kind that keeps you from changing for the better. This is something I’ve known for years, but in reality, I usually have to reach my threshold of pain before I decide to change.
As my self-confidence grows, I’m more appreciative of change; I even find myself enjoying it. Also, I tend to care less about what people think, especially after the fact. When you realize that life’s got so many interesting things to experience, and that everyone is essentially concerned mostly about themselves, then you can get on with living your life the way you want.
In whatever way you’re able to find inner peace, then that’s the right path. I think unhappy people lack inner peace. Sometimes it’s the discomfort of being around unhappy people that makes you realize, not only that you want to be happy, but that you deserve it.
I don’t think life is an either/or kind of thing, but I’ve been having vivid dreams and heavy moods, and as I chose to go put some gas in my mom’s car, and get some coffee for myself and her husband, the insight that came to me was that I could choose to be happy, or (insert whatever condition). This is a way of relieving black and white thinking. The black and white thinking is an excessive focus on what-is. By choosing to be happy, conditions will improve.
I asked myself, “Would I rather be happy, or have the girl?”
This works surprisingly well with anything. “Would I rather be happy, or worry about my job?”
Of course, I’d rather be happy in every case, and like I said, I don’t think it’s an either/or thing. I believe that I can be happy and have whatever it is I want, but conditional thinking can make that difficult to see. That way of thinking goes something like “because this condition is happening, I must now feel this way.”
For me, the fear that’s lurking in the background is that if I choose to be happy, then something bad is going to happen eventually, and wouldn’t that suck? Well, yes, that would suck, but it sucks worse to live in fear. So, would you rather be happy, or…
I’ve proven a lot of things to myself over the past year, and although it has been painful at times, I’ve also found a lot of clarity. The knowledge I’ve gained outweighs any negatives I can think of, and makes me appreciate what I’ve experienced. Having felt such deep despair and sadness, now I know that I can be there for myself no matter what. I’ve also felt the most sublime levels of bliss and grace. For me, unhappiness has made happiness more meaningful.
The fear that I fought so hard against – which only grew stronger the more I tried – has dissolved. I might still be inexperienced in some ways, but the anxiety about that is gone. The most value I can give to anyone who reads these articles is to be an example of how someone who had crippling and debilitating levels of fear can finally be comfortable and confident in himself. My desire to be who I really am outweighs any fear I might have.
When your life gets shaken up, and all is said and done, you really know who you are by the things that still matter to you. Change can be painful, but it also gives you clarity and focus. It keeps you sharp and hungry for self-improvement, and that makes life worth living.
I dozed off for a bit, and had a dream about my ex-girlfriend. We were going to see some kind of show, and when we got there, the people at the door said we had to wait. I sat down at a bench, and noticed that my girlfriend (we were still together in the dream) was gone. I woke up soon after, and my heart was racing. I felt a deep sense of loss and loneliness, which I now realize is the fear of abandonment. I immediately thought about the love I have for my ex-girlfriend, how I want the best for her, and how much I appreciate the both of us. That made me feel a lot better.
I’m making a commitment to not abandon the fear of abandonment. I choose to embrace and stay with it. I know that this fear is at the heart of the need for approval from others. As I take responsibility for the fear, I no longer seek approval from others. I can be there for myself.
It’s afternoon, and I feel better, and I feel better that I feel better. I’m aware of the mercurial and inconstant nature of my moods. I know that at the heart of my discomfort is the desire to get along with people, while at the same time not wanting to betray who I am. I’m realizing that I can have harmony with others while still being true to myself. It’s a daily practice.
I want to be integrated and whole.
I want to feel stable and strong.
I want to go with the flow of my natural and powerful stream of well-being.
I know when I’m not integrated or aligned, because it feels bad, like I’m alienated from my Source. There’s fear in the thought of disapproval from others, but my love of being connected to my True Self trumps the fear. There’s a part of me that wants to seek approval, but that part of me has been so disappointed and disillusioned, that it finally hurts too much to try to please others, and that’s actually a very good thing for my further development.
I still want things from other people, like cooperation, resources, friendship, and love, but I’m no longer trying to fill a void. Now I can do whatever I’m doing without the extra weight of guilt, shame, and fear. I can follow my inner guidance, and learn from my life experiences.
Part of my integration is bringing together the diverse Life Areas. Each Life Area has meaning and purpose, and is capable of providing satisfaction and fulfillment. I want to dive in and squeeze all the juice out of each Life Area. Maybe my Spirit is eternal, but this is the only life I have in this particular body, and while I’m here I want to know who I am, what I’m about, and what I can do.