It’s another wake up from a dream at 3am (technically 2) kind of night. I did my usual things, and also having a – the more things change, the more they stay the same – kind of moment.
As I was browsing through some older entries, I reminisced about the ups and downs of life, how people have come and gone, yet here I am still writing on my blog. I think of it as keeping myself honest.
I’m not one to dish out advice. I have a hard enough time taking my own. I believe in figuring out my own path and letting others figure out theirs.
I’ve just had a realization about most of the relationships I’ve experienced so far, and why I’ve often struggled with them. I’m deeply honest and sincere, and while that may seem like a virtue, in many relationships (that I’ve experienced) that’s actually something people are afraid of. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for me to be sincere, but that I’m just not around like-minded (or ‘like-hearted’) people.
For example, I understand that people are going to be self-interested; I believe in that, actually. However, let’s say someone in a (romantic) relationship with me says they would be happier by ending the relationship–I genuinely support that–but what I don’t support is not being honest and up-front about it, and basically making me the bad guy in order to have an excuse to break up. Or maybe someone is talking about improving their life in some way; I wholeheartedly care and want them to do it, and I want to support them in whatever way I’m able to.
What I don’t like (or understand) is when I’m talking about improving my life–or being honest and sincere with someone–and I’m met with disinterest, falseness, or even passive-aggressiveness. Because I very much want to get along with people, I used to contort myself in all sorts of ways that ultimately left me feeling depressed. Now, instead of beating up and betraying myself, I choose to stand by my values and attract people who value the same things as I do.
Being honest with myself and taking the third way.
We are all destined to realize our true self-worth, one way or the other. It’s not so much a calling as an inexorable pull. To the extent that we resist the pull of our true self, we are unhappy.
Letting go can be difficult because it can feel like a sacrifice. Sometimes we think we’re sacrificing, but we’re not. A true sacrifice usually has to do with the death of a dearly held belief, and most of us hate to be wrong.
It’s challenging to be unflinchingly honest with ourselves. There are so many ways we can be diverted from really getting to the heart of the matter. I continue to write, because this is my bastion of peace, and oasis of truth.
I used to think that being honest meant convincing other people of the truth, but now I realize that real honesty is being honest with yourself.
It’s an early and cold Sunday morning. My dad is snoring, one of the shop cats is purring in my lap, and the leaky pipes are drip, drip, dripping.
I have a home, and I have a family. I have work to do that earns me money. On the surface things may look a bit different, but underneath it all is the same love.
I’m collecting silver linings, and I believe it’s adding up into something wonderful. Candor, candid, honesty is remarkably refreshing these days. All I can say is that I’m doing the best I can, and it’s getting better, man.
I’m negotiating with myself, which I’ve dubbed “megotiating.” I’m telling myself that my intention isn’t to deprive “me” of anything, but rather it’s to enhance, magnify, and make great whatever it is I’m wanting to do. This is a way for me to think ahead carefully before putting my plans into action.
There’s a part of me that’s high minded and wise, and another part that’s rebellious by nature, and I want these parts of me to work together harmoniously.
Instead of having inner conflict, I want to allow everything to be open for discussion. This is a way for me to be honest and fair with myself.