Knowing and Not Knowing

It's interesting to feel like you know and you don't know simultaneously. Opposites can coexist at the same time, and perhaps they have to. The experience of transcending polarity feels like the cracking of an egg.

I'm fascinated by my inner family, or team, or personalities. They've always been quite distinct. My inner captain and team leader is really coming into his own these days.

The study of the universe is essentially the study of the psyche. After all, it's the psyche that's observing the universe. We come from it, and it comes from us.

Sincerely,
G.B.M.

Not Pretending

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I don’t pretend to know much about romance, let alone women. I don’t know all that much about anything, except maybe myself, and even then, not so much. I’m an eternal learner.

I live a good life. Can I write about it just because I feel like it? There’s beauty everywhere you look for it.

I don’t pretend to know much about the workings of the universe, or the secrets of life, but I know something of it. It speaks to me, and I record what it says. As it is, appreciation is sweet in and of itself.

~ GBM

Applying for a Job (and Moving Forward)

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I’m going to talk about some things that I know in order to gain more clarity. I know that I’ve taken the next steps forward in my life by applying for a job that isn’t art related. I’ve been carrying that decision around for a while.

Before I moved in with my mom, I’d applied for several minimum wage jobs, which showed how much I didn’t want to move in with her. As it turned out, I didn’t hear back from the jobs quickly enough, so I moved in with her out of necessity. I lined up (made peace) with that decision. I needed her help, and I also wanted to improve our relationship, and that’s been accomplished.

I know that I love my mom, and I appreciate her. I also know that I don’t agree with her attitudes and beliefs about things. In my opinion, her behavior is manipulative, passive-aggressive, and victimized. She worries, fusses, and complains in a way that I find distasteful. She complains to me about her husband, then kisses his ass when I don’t play along. Yuck. And he continues to be a semi-pathetic loser.

For the past several months, I’ve done my best to use all of my self-improvement skills, and I’m happy about what I’ve done. Whatever else I may be, I know that I’m sincere (the opposite of manipulative). If I sometimes resort to manipulative tactics, I can see where I picked that up from, and I prefer a better way of doing things. I’m glad that I can appreciate and receive help, and still maintain my integrity. Sometimes we sincerely need other people’s help, but that doesn’t mean we owe them anything.

I’ve grown so much in the past year. My life is completely different. I think I have a positive influence on the people I’m around. I see how things have improved for them, as well as for myself. I genuinely want people to do well; it’s inspiring. I genuinely dislike it when people are down on themselves, or pretend to be smaller than who they really are. I’ve learned how to be appreciative, without being a push-over, or a dumping ground for other people’s negativity. Now that I’ve applied for a job, energy is flowing into that area of my life.

~ GBM

Self-expressing

After writing about self-improvement for several years, I’m bound to repeat myself (and I do), but there’s a distinction between knowing about something versus knowing it.

Sometimes I’ll read a random post, and much of what I wrote about years ago still resonates with me, but now I have more life experience to go along with it.

These days, I’m thinking a lot about not allowing myself to be be diminished by anything. If we have desires that are born from our experiencing of life, we can’t pretend that we don’t truly have those desires. Some people tell you to get rid of the desires, and some people tell you how to actualize the desires. I feel like, if given the choice, I want to fulfill my desires rather than squelch them.

I’m in the process of being my fully expanded self. I realize that I can’t deny parts if who I am and feel happy. I also realize that there’s a time and place for everything, but I’d rather find or create the right venue for self-expression than be self-denying, or worse, resentful of others who are expressing themselves.

~ GBM

Gaining Clarity (and closure)

I want to gain clarity (and closure) about the important relationships in my life, namely the one with my mom, and the one with my ex-girlfriend; two very powerful feminine influences. I’m glad that I’m gaining more clarity. My emotions have stabilized, and it’s easier for me to know what my own thoughts are.

I know that, as of now, I want to have another opportunity to be in a relationship with my ex. I don’t know if that will happen, but I do know that if she wanted to be together again, I would feel good about that.

I’ve attempted to get in touch with her and her family to let them know that I love her (and them) very much. They’ve basically cut off contact with me, and I understand why they might do that. I know that I’ve always loved and respected them, no matter how it may have appeared.

Essentially, I know that it’s about my own journey of self-improvement, which included being in a long-term relationship with my ex, and now being separated from her, and whatever else may happen in our future. I know that a relationship like ours isn’t something that can be forgotten, although it may go through (dramatic) changes.

She’s already with someone else, and maybe she loves him, and maybe they’ll get married. I know that I love her whether she’s with me or not, or whether she wants to talk to me or not.

I know that if I were with the right woman for me, I would love her, and I would want to get married or have children if that’s what we both wanted. In my previous relationship, that’s not what we both wanted (or at least we weren’t sure). I know that I want my ex to have clarity about what she wants to do with her life, and who she wants to be with, which is also what I want for myself.

As for my relationship with my mom, I know that it’s good for me to have this time to re-establish a peaceful and positive relationship with her. The past was weighing me down quite heavily, but now I feel much lighter. I know that I needed to experience this for my own good, as well as for the good of any future relationships I have with women.

~ GBM

A Time of Awakening

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I’ve offered many good words on GBM over the years, but now I’m learning the difference between knowing what to say, and knowing how to be. I asked for answers, and received them. I’ve communicated those answers on this blog.

The words I’ve written still resonate with my inner guidance. The difference is that I’m now embodying what I write about. I’m going from knowledge to knowing.

I’ve talked about freedom – having a deep desire be free, wondering what freedom is, and how to have it – and the result is that, whether I like it or not, I know freedom, and it isn’t what I’ve been taught while growing up. It isn’t a person, place, or thing.

To me, freedom is knowing myself to the deepest, most central, emotional, energetic, vibrational, and spiritual core; to be able to feel and know who I am without flinching. Without knowing who I am, I’m at the mercy of everyone and everything.

I’ve noticed that we have a tendency to run away from knowing who we really are, although that’s what we’re looking for. We look to others to figure out how we’re supposed to be, when our spirit is always showing us the way. That’s a disempowering and insecure way to live.

I’ve also noticed that things are shifting. With the internet, people are able to unplug themselves from force-fed beliefs and information. They’re able to seek and speak their own truth.

In society, the facade is breaking down. So called adults, elders, and leaders aren’t able to fake their way through life anymore. People are seeking answers to deep questions. They want masters and teachers that know what they’re talking about, and the answers are coming from the collective unconscious, the non-physical, the spiritual, the Universe.

I know there are those who have been awakened in some way to who they really are from reading the words I’ve written, and that’s because who we really are is continually guiding us to the answers we’re seeking. I’ve chronicled my own awakening; waking up from the confusion, and waking up to the clarity.

The greatest value to be had from anything outside of our self, is whether it rings true with what is inside of our self.

~ GBM

Living in Truth

Flight of Lesser Sandhill Cranes

As I mentioned before, I’m reading Eckhart Tolle. I really got into his teachings a few years ago. It helped me deal with a lot of personal pain and chaos. There’s a part of me that “gets” his message, and another part that’s skeptical. I tend to think a healthy dose of skepticism is a good thing. After some time not paying attention to, well, paying attention, I’m back to the now.

Different messengers, same message

It’s not like Eckhart Tolle is the first person to talk about being in the moment, stillness, and other Zen-like things. In my self-improvement journey, I’ve encountered similar messages from different messengers. There’s usually a familiar ring of truth to words of wisdom. It takes a wise person to see the truth. It takes a courageous person to speak the truth. It takes a powerful person to live the truth.

Truth and wisdom are free (that’s something to be happy about).

Knowing doesn’t require words

I don’t put much stake into “beliefs”. It doesn’t matter to me what I or other people believe in. What I care about is “knowing”, which is a much rarer thing than belief. Belief is what we do when we don’t know. There’s not a whole lot I truly know; there’s vastly more I don’t know. Being conscious of this truth is a wise thing.

On any given day, I usually don’t know what I’m going to write for GBM. Sometimes I sit down, not with a goal in mind, but rather an intention. My intention today is to live in truth, and speak the truth (as I know it). It’s always a pleasure to be able to speak the truth, although I don’t always feel like doing it.

When I’m living in truth, my ego is light. The excess baggage of assumptions, expectations, and illusions disappear, leaving me unburdened by mental constructs and rules. Maybe I’m sounding a bit like Eckhart Tolle here, but so be it.

This is Sedone Thongvilay speaking, warts and all. Free as a bird, scarred and scared, being here now, living in truth.

Thanks for reading, and remember to make today a better day!

~ST

image credits: Flight of Lesser Sandhill Cranes