I’m rediscovering fun; things like watching movies, listening to music, painting, and writing. It used to be easy, but now it feels like I have to learn how to do it all over again. These days, everything seems to trigger bad memories; even good ones can turn bad on a dime.
I can feel the resistance – the blocks, the obstacles, the anxiety, the depression, the antagonism – but I choose to no longer fight with myself. Instead, I’m there for myself no matter what; something that was missing before. Now I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness.
Because I’m watching more movies, I’m seeing my life as a story (even more so than usual). Dreams I’ve had since I was a kid are starting to come true. Now it’s that part in the movie where the main character has to take a leap of faith.
Breaking the ice, getting my feet, and taking a leap of faith.
I talk to myself, and while that may be a strange thing to admit to the world, I’ve long since crossed that Rubicon. After all, I’m already talking to myself in my mind, whether I verbalize or not. Writing down my thoughts has helped, but some of the internal voices quite literally have a mind of their own, and the best thing I’ve done is to dialogue with them. These sub-personalities are not just the critical, fearful, or neurotic parts of me, but also the creative, loving, and wise parts. By speaking to them, I’ve gained a long sought-after sense of self and wholeness. I see that I’ve been searching for parts of myself “out there somewhere”, but really, what I needed to fill the void was within me all along. In my podcasts, I talked about being a refugee, a minority, an only child, and how I longed for belonging and companionship aka LOVE. Unfortunately, this neediness is a turn off and unattractive to others, and try as I might, I couldn’t just stop it, but over the years, as I’ve worked on self-improvement, I was laying the foundations for my autonomy and freedom. When I recently found myself in a crisis that involved the proverbial shit hitting the proverbial fan, I had to take a leap of faith which I’d been simultaneously anticipating and dreading for a while, but it’s so worth it to align with my True Self. It makes everything I’ve experienced have the meaning I’ve been looking for. I guess I’m born again, but this time as the real me. Of course, it takes nothing away from my caterpillar self. He was a necessary part of my journey, and still with me in some ways. I’ve strayed from the topic of talking to myself, which tends to happen when you have several conversations going on in your head at the same time.
image credits: Disney
It might seem, with all this talk of getting and being better, that I’m advocating a gung-ho, hardcore approach to self-improvement and life. While I love being audacious, taking leaps of faith and daring the net to appear, I’m actually a supporter of taking things one step at a time and being gentle with your progress. It’s not that I don’t think there’s a benefit in taking massive action towards your goals, pulling free of resistance and gravity, but I’ve learned more about myself over the years and how I operate. The process goes something like this:
- Muster all my willpower to change and GO FOR IT!
- After the dust settles, take small and more realistic steps towards change.
One reason I write about making big changes in life is because it’s important to dream big. In my opinion, we tend to underestimate the power we have, and we also tend to focus on what we can’t do rather than what we can do.
Patience and determination are life lessons that keep coming up for me, so I know they’re important. Of all the things I’ve accomplished in life, the greatest have been the things that have taken patience and determination; art, writing, spirituality, self-esteem, relationships. Continue reading One Step at a Time