I’m rediscovering fun; things like watching movies, listening to music, painting, and writing. It used to be easy, but now it feels like I have to learn how to do it all over again. These days, everything seems to trigger bad memories; even good ones can turn bad on a dime.
I can feel the resistance – the blocks, the obstacles, the anxiety, the depression, the antagonism – but I choose to no longer fight with myself. Instead, I’m there for myself no matter what; something that was missing before. Now I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness.
Because I’m watching more movies, I’m seeing my life as a story (even more so than usual). Dreams I’ve had since I was a kid are starting to come true. Now it’s that part in the movie where the main character has to take a leap of faith.
I woke up early this morning and had some insights, as I usually do, and wanted to share them before I forget. This blog is called Getting Better, Man, and getting better is partly about healing and recovering from pain. I have things I need to heal and recover from–and I know that I’m healing all the time–but I have a nervous habit of picking at scabs and not allowing them to heal properly.
Sometimes I wake up with what could be called post-traumatic flashbacks and memories (like I did this morning), and I ask God, and my Angels and Guides to help me forgive for the sake of myself and others. I don’t really care who or what I’m forgiving, because there’s probably too much to forgive, but I want to transmute the negative energy into something positive. I don’t like to complain or blame, and I don’t like to ask for help; I’m not seeking sympathy, although I most likely deserve it, if anyone does.
No, I’m all about getting better, and that takes many forms. I’ve been through the shadow stuff, and had to learn how to use alchemy, magic, and prayer. Part of the Hero’s Journey is to bring the Elixir of Life back to humanity, and that’s what I’m doing.
I’m sitting in the garage of the shop, freshly lit incense burning, vanilla coffee brewing, thinking about life. I read some old emails which brought momentary tears, then appreciation took its place. I’m better off mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially, in that I have a steady paycheck.
I’m learning a lot at my new job, and making friends. I’ve been thinking about moving into my own apartment for a while. I accept that I have distinct parts to my personality, and I’m happy that in general I feel inner peace (about these various parts).
The Life Areas operate synergistically. If one Area is stuck, another Area can help it along. What seems like individual fragments are held together by an invisible wholeness.
Whenever I’m at the laundry mat, I remember being in art school years ago, when I would do laundry and hang out with one of my art school friends. I thought we were some of the better artists at the school, but many years later, I wonder how many of the students have a career as an artist. Successful or not, I can say that I worked as a professional artist for over a decade.
Nowadays, illustration has been put on hold, but ideas and stories continue to percolate. I consider this period in my life as the part of my story in which I become a moral person. It’s about making attitude adjustments rather than trying to change others.
My impression of life as a teenager and twenty-something was about worldly success. Even so, I planted the seeds of self-improvement way back when. The seeds took root, and now I’m proud of what’s growing.
I’m literally waiting for paint to dry. It’s part of the job when you live with shop cats. The work that I’m doing with my dad is getting better and better.
I’m realizing that in order to move on to better things, the past has to live in the world of memories. What happens right now is life. I finally trust myself.
I used to be so eager to build a box and try to fit myself into it, but my understanding of life and who I am is much larger than before.
When I think about contentment, I realize that it means this moment. Beneath whatever inner voices that may be speaking, is a stable and strong center. Beyond whatever social constructs that have been built, is the true self.
The days go by in a blur, hazy, like present moment memories. And yet, my senses are sharp, and my mind is clear. Life is light.
I want to remember these moments of clarity. Even as I write this, things are happening, but I remain centered. Every day, things happen, and I continue to remain centered.
Yesterday went by quicker than I thought, and I didn’t post. Now I’m sitting in the garage, and waiting for sleep. I’m realizing that simplicity and sincerity are powerful principles that can melt (and move) glaciers.
Sometimes memories and thoughts bombard me, and the best thing I can do is make space for it. There’s space within my heart; more than I realized. I’m realizing that the things that matter, matter, and the things that don’t, don’t.
If I’m the creator of my reality, then I ask myself what my reasons would be for creating this reality. To know who I truly am, to know my true power, to be who I truly am, and reflect that into the world. In the light of truth, fear dissolves.