Throughout all of his wanderings he finally found that he’d made it to where he wanted to go, and that realization felt unfamiliar and disorienting. There was a deep sadness when he thought about leaving behind who he was, but also excitement at his accomplishment.
More than anything, he felt relief; relieved that the door was open, and that which he’d always believed in, but couldn’t see, was now real. It was a personal and intimate kind of realization. The only proof was in the way he felt about himself. The self-loathing was gone; that sense of alienation and fragmentation that seemed like the only reality he’d known.
“We’re in this together,” he thought, but he was saying it to all the different parts of himself.
He had the sensation that all of the moments of his life had swirled around him while he remained still.
It was all happening at once.
I’ve just had a realization about most of the relationships I’ve experienced so far, and why I’ve often struggled with them. I’m deeply honest and sincere, and while that may seem like a virtue, in many relationships (that I’ve experienced) that’s actually something people are afraid of. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for me to be sincere, but that I’m just not around like-minded (or ‘like-hearted’) people.
For example, I understand that people are going to be self-interested; I believe in that, actually. However, let’s say someone in a (romantic) relationship with me says they would be happier by ending the relationship–I genuinely support that–but what I don’t support is not being honest and up-front about it, and basically making me the bad guy in order to have an excuse to break up. Or maybe someone is talking about improving their life in some way; I wholeheartedly care and want them to do it, and I want to support them in whatever way I’m able to.
What I don’t like (or understand) is when I’m talking about improving my life–or being honest and sincere with someone–and I’m met with disinterest, falseness, or even passive-aggressiveness. Because I very much want to get along with people, I used to contort myself in all sorts of ways that ultimately left me feeling depressed. Now, instead of beating up and betraying myself, I choose to stand by my values and attract people who value the same things as I do.
I watched movies with my dad last night as I often do, and I rather liked drifting off to sleep in such a way that I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later and made a cup of coffee. Soon I’ll be back to sleep again.
I enjoy my life at the shop. I don’t think that invalidates my past experiences, or that uncertainty is bad. What I am certain of is that I can be happy in a lot more situations than I’d realized, and I keep showing that to myself.
The ability to be happy because I choose to be is what I truly want. Everything else comes from that. Now that I’m figuring this out, life is simpler.
I woke up this morning with a sense of inner peace and harmony. I felt like I was truly free for the first time in many years. My biggest fear in life was being disapproved of (and rejected, and abandoned), and now that I’ve experienced it, I know I’ll be OK. My energy had been split between wanting to express myself and the fear of disapproval, and I was deeply troubled and unhappy.
Now I find myself on the middle path, neither wanting or not wanting approval or disapproval from anyone. My approval comes from an inner source. I know who I really am, and that realization can’t be faked; it must be experienced and felt. I couldn’t see clearly because fear clouded my perception.
Life is now in high-definition for me. I’ve always felt that life is a journey, but now I’m at peace with the journey. There’s no place to go, and nothing to do, only ways of expressing and enjoying myself. I had a pernicious belief that I was the one who was making things happen. It took losing everything except the bare essentials for me to see that everything I had (of real value) had been given to me.
I’m realizing that I have a big heart, and it loves everyone and everything unconditionally.
I’m realizing what it means to love without wanting something in return (although my little heart still wants what it wants).
I’m realizing that my big heart can take all the pain that my little heart feels, and turn it into more love.
I’m realizing that my big heart has never led me astray, even if I sometimes worry that it will (or that it has).
I’m realizing that my big heart only wants the best for myself and others.
I’m realizing that my big heart is the heart of my soul, and my little heart is the heart of my ego.
My little heart – fragile and sensitive – is now held within my big heart, like a pearl of wisdom.
I’m realizing that the same big heart that is able to love everyone and everything, can also love me, too.
My big heart is what all my work has been about, and what I’ve been looking for.
My big heart is the longed for brother and sister, or loving parent, or best friend, or great love.
I have depths to my soul, depths to my capacity for being loving that I thought was there, but am now truly realizing.
I am my big heart.
It seems like there really is a way of living from source, something I’ve yearned for and sought all my life, and of course there would be a way, since it can be no other way. Everything else feels like an illusion, fake, and ultimately pointless — at least to the small mind of ego — without a connection to source.
Does The Source = The Force = The Tao = God? I don’t know, and I don’t really care. There’s nothing like a good round of mental masturbation to figure out and categorize beliefs — and I enjoy that — but lately I’m more interested in feeling the connection to the source of power in the universe rather than being more right about something than someone else. This is the way of example, not talk.
All I know is there’s an infinitely powerful source of power within and without me, that I am that source — a part of it — as is everyone and everything in the universe, and my physical self — our physical selves — are vessels and vehicles deserving of respect and dignity, for we are part of the creativity of the universe.
My true work up to this point has been to wake up to this realization. Nothing short of this realization could satisfy me. The next steps aren’t so important — actually, they are important — because they’ll be inspired steps. And this would sound like so much BS to my ego, if not for the sweetness of the feeling, the joy in every moment, the grace during the painful moments, and the appreciation of the good things in life.
- Taking off the Mask (gettingbetterman.wordpress.com)
- Being a Great Man (gettingbetterman.wordpress.com)