As I went about my Sunday routines, I had the realization that I’ve barely scratched the surface of who I truly am. This is both exciting and frustrating. There’s so much that I want to create and express.
Creating things willy-nilly isn’t all that satisfying, either. Part of the fun is in connecting with others. Of course, there’s also the issue of making a living.
Rather than fighting the form and structure, I’m learning from it. Boundaries have their uses, after all. Focus is the key.
In this episode of the GBM audio journal/radio show I talk about self-improvement (as usual), being neurotic, having self-confidence, being free of depression, and other life stuff.
Rather than treating the symptoms, this year (the year of re-invention) is about finding the cure. In truth, I know what the cure is (and it’s not my cover of The Cure); it’s just a matter of taking the medicine. The healthy self is a confident self.*
I feel strongly about things, and I relate to the “feeler” types out there, but sometimes I admit that I get annoyed at our wishy-washyness (lack of backbone). It’s great to have deeply held values, but you have to stand up for them and that means – at times – standing up to others and standing up for yourself, especially when your happiness and peace of mind is at stake. As I sit here in my lovely apartment (that I worked for), I sometimes feel a disturbance in the Force; feelings of guilt and anxiety for doing my best and improving my life – and this being the year of re-invention – I choose to confront and ultimately transmute these energies.
I’ve got names for my bad guys:
- Asshole Judge
- Spilled Milk
- General Negativity
- Insecurity Blanket
- Infinite Sadness
- Inner Critic
- Depression Sinkhole
- Shameful Guilty Goblin
- Green Eyed Slime
- Fear Mongrel
I’m sick and tired of letting these inner demons run rampant. Feelings can help guide us, but only if we use them effectively. Their purpose is to allow us to express our true selves.
*The cure is to be happy, which requires being confident, and that means having confidence (trust) in yourself.
Sometimes the words just flow; other times, not so much. Sometimes the mind has to incubate ideas until thoughts finally pour out.
I never force myself to write.
Taking care of daily mundanities somehow opens up the world of magic. It’s in these rituals of ordinary life that we find the divine spark.
I open myself to the universe.
Everything we admire in others is actually what’s inside of us wanting to be expressed. Being a calm, cool, and confident man is fulfilling.
I’m happy to share this with you.
Today, I’m focusing on my job, career, and vocation. I currently have a job that I’m using for income and to build the foundations of my preferred lifestyle. Career-wise, I’m an artist, writer, and musician.
Having a Calling
A vocation is a calling in life. I feel called to improve myself, and to share my experiences (in other words, self-expression) with others. I’m delighted when I’m able to help others improve themselves. Improvement is more important to me than giving someone a handout, but that’s OK sometimes (I’ve needed it, too).
I don’t like feeling trapped in general, and that applies to my job. When I start to not enjoy myself, I feel anxious. I remind myself of my goals and how my job is helping me to reach them, and I also focus on the self-improvement opportunities within the job, and that makes me feel like it has meaning.
This is the year of re-invention, so I’m re-clarifying and re-organizing all aspects of my life. I’m approaching it like a beginner. When we empty ourselves of worn out assumptions and preconceived notions, we begin to re-invigorate ourselves.
I’m in a writing kind of mood, so writing I shall do. I believe that life is an adventure, if we choose to see it that way. It’s definitely more fun as an adventure.
Earlier, I said that my relationship with my parents had improved, and it has, but not necessarily in the typical way. It’s improved in the sense that I choose to express myself more authentically. Sometimes that means expressing what I feel angry about.
On any given day, there’s adventure to be had. I’ve had an adventurous day. I like living an adventure.
My dad and I talked about what happened the other day when I spoke to him from the heart. He said he’d been thinking about it, and still doesn’t know how to reply. I told him that it wasn’t about how he should reply, but that the purpose of it, for me, was to speak from the heart, irregardless of what fears I might have, or how people will react.
Life at the shop is both a big and little adventure. Every day is a new experience, which is all part of the story(s). I’m having some interesting dreams, too.