I begin writing this with no preconceptions or preconceived notions of what I’m going to write. Sometimes you need to let go of preconceptions and assumptions and expectations, and let the thoughts and words flow. That’s how all of this began, and that’s how it’s going to continue.
Structure is a good thing, in the right amount. The unconscious is like an out-of-focus lens, and consciousness is the focusing of the lens. We have the ability to focus and defocus, zoom in and out.
When things get too complicated, the best thing to do is simplify. Get back to basics. Start over.
I find myself writing from the parking lot of another gas station after spending the night at my mom’s. What warms my heart is having self-confidence, which makes life feel so much better. Whatever happens on the outside, I’m OK on the inside.
As I learn more about being an INFP, I see that not wanting to be trapped is a big concern. That’s another way of saying I want to be free, and the truth is that we’re all born free (no matter what anyone else says). So what do I do about it?
What I do is take one step at a time, knowing in my heart that no one and nothing binds me. Sometimes all I can do is breathe, take a step back, and start over.
It was a year ago this month that I first came to the shop, feeling like a stranger in a strange land. In the past year, I’ve grown so much. Now, I find myself again feeling strange as I look for a new job, and a new life.
It doesn’t really matter what led me up to this point. Needless to say, events happened that influenced the choices I’ve made. Doing the right thing also means doing what’s right for yourself.
I keep circling back to this theme of being my own person. I suppose it’s something I fear, and I try to rationalize it away. Ever since my break-up a couple of years ago, I’ve become more of the man I want to be.
I begin the new year focused on simplicity, sincerity, and starting over. Simplicity is about ease, sincerity is about genuineness, and starting over means to begin doing something again from the beginning. These themes subconsciously became the things I want to focus on.
Often, I know what ease feels like based upon the feeling of unease. Genuineness is the opposite of approval-seeking and people-pleasing. Starting over (with more experience this time around) feels good.
These themes come from my true self.
Not everything is going to be what many people call normal or typical, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value and worth. You don’t have to be a certain way, or fit into someone else’s mold. We’re free to think and feel what we want.
I’m doing things I didn’t think I’d be doing, but I’m still me. I can be many things. I’m free.
I’m realizing that having the ability to have something is actually more powerful and fulfilling than having the thing itself. Things come and go, but ability stays with you. If you have the ability to do or have something, then you can always start over.
I haven’t had a car in years until today. As I’ve mentioned, I’m really starting over at square one. The way things are playing out in my life isn’t something I can orchestrate by myself. There are greater powers at work. I’m learning about attraction, energy, and vibration, and it’s fascinating.
The car is a 1995 Toyota Tercel, and I kinda love it. Somehow it’s just the right car for me right now. I could have gone to a dealer, but without credit or a steady income, it would have been difficult to negotiate. Most used cars that are decent are out of my price range, and I didn’t want to buy a really cheap car and have it break down. So I wasn’t sure how I was going to get a car, only that I wanted one, and with that desire in mind, I focused on other things.
Everything about me getting this car just worked out; the timing, the person I bought it from, my mom helping out with the money, etc. It’s not glamorous by some people’s standards, but I like how I had a desire, trusted that the universe was making things work out for me, and it did. This year, I went from feeling like I’d hit the proverbial rock bottom, to reconnecting with my friends and family, rebuilding my career, and now I own a car. Of course, it’s not just about having things. I feel happy about myself and my life, and that’s not something you can buy.
Since I’m (re)starting over, I’m going back to basics; keeping it simple; getting to the heart of the matter; being sincere. That’s one of the benefits of a new beginning. I can keep what I like, and leave out what I don’t like. One of the most basic and important things is being aware of what feels good to me, which I sometimes only realize after knowing what doesn’t feel good to me. The key is to use what doesn’t feel good to identify what does feel good, and to focus on and do the things that feel good.
Sometimes I need to talk to myself about what feels good at the moment, and that whatever I’m doing does actually feel good, and that I’m choosing to do it. This is also sometimes necessary when it comes to remembering things from the past that don’t feel so good to think about, and cause confusion. If the emotions are too strong, I do my best to focus on other things that feel good, but when I can, I get clear about what I really think about the subject. That’s when I realize that certain things I did, I actually wanted to, and it felt good to do it, but other things didn’t feel so good, and I would do it differently now.
At the heart of it, I think what people desire is to know what they want to do – and be able to do what they want to do – in the way that they want to do it. Doobeee doobee doo. We may dress up this desire in various ways – make excuses, justify it, try to explain, seek cooperation, or manipulate others – but it seems like we essentially want to follow our heart’s desire. I asked the I Ching what my heart’s desire was, and it said that in the midst of old things falling away, what I have left is my integrity; the seeds of something new.