Knowing and Not Knowing

It's interesting to feel like you know and you don't know simultaneously. Opposites can coexist at the same time, and perhaps they have to. The experience of transcending polarity feels like the cracking of an egg.

I'm fascinated by my inner family, or team, or personalities. They've always been quite distinct. My inner captain and team leader is really coming into his own these days.

The study of the universe is essentially the study of the psyche. After all, it's the psyche that's observing the universe. We come from it, and it comes from us.


Finding a Third Way

A while back, I wrote about how anxiety could be helpful in terms of becoming more mindful. I’ve been feeling more anxiety than I have in years, and I’ve needed to focus on being more mindful once again. It’s a useful mental skill to have.

I’ve noticed how, during my ecstatic and joyful moments, limiting beliefs and negative emotions show up right after (I used to call it being manic depressive, or bipolar, or whatever). My solution is to not pursue an escape route or run away from this familiar pattern. Being mindful of the pattern–without doing anything that will add to or take away from it–creates a third way; one that transcends the problem.

When we think of things in terms of duality, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to find a solution to the problem. However, what if the solution is already an inherent part of the problem, and our role is to simply find a third way? Sometimes it feels like we have to choose between the lesser of two evils, but this can be liberating, because we can take the magical door that appears when we finally say “fuck it.”



Unraveling Anxiety


My theme for this year is re-inventing myself, and one of the main things I’m re-inventing is being OK with anxiety; not avoiding, fighting, or overcoming it, but rather just being fine with it. It is what it is. The less attention I give it, the quieter it becomes.

The Path of Least Resistance

Anxiety, along with pretty much everything else, can be transcended by taking the path of least resistance. I can say that with conviction because I’ve spent years combating anxiety, but you know what, as I sit here today, it’s still there. But it’s not paralyzing, and I don’t feel depressed about it, and that’s huge.

Be the Anxiety

Trying to go toe-to-toe with anxiety merely perpetuates it. Much of it is fueled by thoughts, anyway. I consciously choose to not do anything about it, and lo and behold, the knot unravels.



Ceasing to Matter

I’ve learned that when certain things cease to matter, that’s when I know I’ve transcended it. Things come up that used to get to me, but now they don’t matter like they used to. At the same time, certain things matter even more than before, like self-cultivation.

It seems like self-confidence naturally springs from wisdom, and wisdom is essentially self-awareness. These are transcendent virtues; they can be applied to anything. When all of the BS is swept away, what’s left is a confident, natural, and powerful core.

Most of the work of self-improvement is the maintenance of a positive attitude. This includes the story we tell ourselves about why things happen the way they do. My story is one of redemption in which, no matter what happens, I always end up better than before.



I woke up to the sound of rain, thunder, lightning, and hail. I laid in bed and felt content. Shadows played against the walls, and lightning flashed through the blinds. The modem pulsed its green light. I felt a lightness of being; clean and innocent.

The thought came to me that I had in my possession a pearl of great value. I sat up and started thinking about how the twenty years I’d spent with my ex-girlfriend went by like a dream; it was a dream. I’d entered an elven forest and came back out where I started, two decades later.

Here I am living with my mom and step-dad once again, the way it was before I met her (that sounds more harsh than I intended; I love her). I didn’t entertain these kinds of thoughts for too long, though, because I knew it would lead me into an emotional labyrinth.

Everything is easier now. Things are falling into place. I know that I want and deserve for my life to be easy, after all of the struggle. I’ve gained clarity about who I am and what I want to accomplish. Now it’s a matter of getting out of the way and letting it happen.

I have the abilities, inner and outer strength, intelligence, and charm to succeed. My character just needed to be rounded out with some life experience and wisdom.

I’m putting my trust in the responsive and supportive universe. I know that I was put here with guidance and purpose. My current motto is “Transcend! Transcend!”


Encountering Core Beliefs


I’ve written about how it sometimes feels like I’ve been caught in a labyrinth of the mind. I envision the labyrinth as the belief systems and structures we build to protect our vulnerable sense of self. The labyrinth has many self-perpetuating tricks, but with the help of my True Self, I’ve been able to see through its illusions, and now I find myself at the center of the labyrinth, where my core beliefs are kept.

One of the core beliefs is positive, and one of them is negative. I can see them in their pure, energetic state. The core positive belief is that the most joyful, exciting, and powerful thing for me to be is myself, who I really am, and aligned with my True Self. The core negative belief is that it’s more painful for me to be who I really am, do what I want to do, live the way I want to live, feel how I want to feel, than to be a false version of myself, which is still painful, but not as painful as being my True Self. The negative belief says it’s better to be a shadow of who I really am.

The positive belief is about expansion, freedom, and joy. The negative belief is about contraction, bondage, and fear. I stand at the center of these core beliefs in a place of neutrality. By seeing them for what they are, and validating their existence and worth, I transcend them. I become bigger than my beliefs. There’s a way for both positive and negative beliefs to co-exist in harmony. All things that exist have a right to exist. To go against this universal law is asking for trouble. My core positive belief is one of love. My core negative belief is one of fear.

The solution is a paradox; unconditional love for both.


New Beginnings


It’s been a mind-blowing and consciousness expanding week. I’ve been preparing for this level of transcendence for a while. Between listening to Abraham, Bashar, my own inner guidance, going for walks, and doing things that lead to my highest excitement and joy, I’ve reached glorious heights of self-awareness. As I look down, I can see where I’ve been, how far I’ve come, and what it all meant, and it brings tears to my eyes, which is my physical way of releasing resistance, and feeling the unconditional love of my True Self.

I like to think that I’ve been on a journey to find pieces of my soul that were scattered to the winds, and when I find a part of who I am, I know it, and it’s exhilarating. I see it as a game between me and my True Self. I love the feeling of seeing how all the pieces fit together. I’ve aligned with, connected to, and felt my True Self, and it acts as a bright beacon for me to follow. It always has, but sometimes it was covered by fog.

I know I’ve truly changed because there’s nothing I can think of that I’m not looking at with a different lens. When the old lens – distorted and cracked – falls back into place, it’s obvious, and I know how to replace it. I know that I accept, allow, and respect all parts of myself now. This unconditional love and self-acceptance makes everything I’ve experienced worth it, and is one of the themes of my life. I can see through all the deceptions, illusions, and lies in my own mind, and in the mind of the collective (un)consciousness.

I’m not perfect, because that would imply that my journey has ended, and the truth is that every step along this eternal journey is a new beginning. I’ve written about all of these things before, but to know it in my heart, and carry it with me forever, is beyond words.