It’s 4am on Saturday and I’m not sure if I woke up because of a dream, or because the fire alarm was beeping. In any case, when I attempted to turn off the beeping, it started going crazy and beeping even more!
Try as I might, I couldn’t open or disable it, and this being the middle of the night, it sounded ridiculously loud. I wrapped it several times inside some blankets (which I happened to be sleeping on). That muffled it enough to not wake up my neighbors, but it still sounded annoying.
In the end, it turned off by itself, but I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I went ahead and made some coffee and wrote about it.
A rather stunning revelation I’ve had is that I don’t treat myself fairly…at all. Well, I’ve suspected it for a while, but these days I’m really onto it. Some of the most revealing insights come to us as we’re waking up.
Crossing the Threshold
I believe in the Hero’s Journey, and right now it feels like I’m crossing the threshold. Things have happened in such a way that I can never go back to who I thought I was. Being free is completely exciting and terrifying in turns.
Why can I be so passionate about other people, so eager to please, but feel so cold and negligent towards myself? I’m not letting myself off the hook until I can truly answer the question. Layers of illusions peel away when we fearlessly get to the heart of the matter.
The shop cats woke me up, so I decided to make a cup of coffee and write, contemplating the idea of being accountable; to myself, others, and life. I look over to the side and see this rather alien landscape that I call my bedroom. Things can be surreal at 3am.
There’s power in being accountable. There can also be fear, guilt, and shame. It’s the difference between choosing to be the creator of your reality or a victim of circumstance.
Once we discover our personal power, we can’t go back to being victims. I take responsibility for how I respond to things. I choose to be accountable.
It’s a rainy night, and I slept for a while, but after waking up I decided to get out of bed and do my usual routines until I get sleepy again. I sleep in the same bed as my dad these days, which I didn’t think I’d be able to do, but it’s actually quite meaningful. Life and work at the shop continues, and continues to fly by.
I’m learning more about working on cars, running the shop, and life. I’m learning about freedom, independence, and self-empowerment. I’m learning that wisdom comes from the sum of knowledge and experience.
So much of life is about beginnings and endings, but there’s an in-between space where eternity exists. It’s that holding your breath and finally breathing out sensation that feels like a relief.
I woke up from an emotional and visceral dream, and realized it was the second day of a new year. I appreciate and perform my usual waking up rituals, and feel thankful for what I get to experience. I’m making peace with aspects of my life which seemed mountainous.
Yesterday, I focused on respecting resistance. Resistance is resistance, and deserves respect. Respect is respect, and something I choose to cultivate and have.
Knowledge and wisdom are priceless. To grow in knowledge and wisdom is worth its weight in experience. Soon, I’ll go back to sleep.
If and when I wake up early, I light incense and make a cup of coffee, and usually blog. I have a routine, and eventually get sleepy again. Yesterday, I did a lot of good work in the shop.
It’s Christmas Eve, and just a year ago I was sitting alone, anxious about how I was going to pay the rent. A year later, many things have, and continue, to change. I’m better now than I was before.
These are the constants in my life: who I am, and my love for the things that I love. I take comfort, refuge, and strength in my True Self. I appreciate myself, my life, and the world I live in.
I woke up with Jung, or rather, Jungian ideas:
The ego is the main character of the story.
The persona is the culture/society/milieu in which the main character finds him or herself.
The shadow is the dark/hidden/repressed side of the society (and him or herself) which the main character must come to terms with.
The anima/animus is the object of desire/treasure/goal of the main character.
The Self is the wise and benevolent guide (also the author of the story).