It’s another wake up from a dream at 3am (technically 2) kind of night. I did my usual things, and also having a – the more things change, the more they stay the same – kind of moment.
As I was browsing through some older entries, I reminisced about the ups and downs of life, how people have come and gone, yet here I am still writing on my blog. I think of it as keeping myself honest.
I’m not one to dish out advice. I have a hard enough time taking my own. I believe in figuring out my own path and letting others figure out theirs.
I woke up from yet another dream at 3am, which tends to happen when I’m going through big changes in my life. In my dream, I literally had a phone call that woke me up. My mind’s a prankster.
As I’m thumb typing this post – about to go back to sleep – I’m conscious of wanting to be less conscious. What I mean is that I associate dreaming with my subconscious (whatever that is). I want to write this from a spontaneous place.
“Through thick and thin” is a sentiment that’s important to me, but instead of applying it to other people, I’m applying it to my relationship with myself.
I woke up from a dramatic dream at 3am and consulted the I Ching about its meaning. That led to several more questions, and the answers had to do with blocking my own progress, needing to maintain equilibrium, being impartial, and prioritizing. I want to make myself, my life, and my work a top priority.
Things have shifted on a deep level. It’s easy to lose focus, so focusing needs to become a habit. It’s all about priorities.
Pretty much all I do these days is a way for me to focus on making myself a priority. Stop putting others first to the detriment of my own life. I’m learning to value myself in a healthy way.
I woke up early this morning and had some insights, as I usually do, and wanted to share them before I forget. This blog is called Getting Better, Man, and getting better is partly about healing and recovering from pain. I have things I need to heal and recover from–and I know that I’m healing all the time–but I have a nervous habit of picking at scabs and not allowing them to heal properly.
Sometimes I wake up with what could be called post-traumatic flashbacks and memories (like I did this morning), and I ask God, and my Angels and Guides to help me forgive for the sake of myself and others. I don’t really care who or what I’m forgiving, because there’s probably too much to forgive, but I want to transmute the negative energy into something positive. I don’t like to complain or blame, and I don’t like to ask for help; I’m not seeking sympathy, although I most likely deserve it, if anyone does.
No, I’m all about getting better, and that takes many forms. I’ve been through the shadow stuff, and had to learn how to use alchemy, magic, and prayer. Part of the Hero’s Journey is to bring the Elixir of Life back to humanity, and that’s what I’m doing.
It’s 4am on Saturday and I’m not sure if I woke up because of a dream, or because the fire alarm was beeping. In any case, when I attempted to turn off the beeping, it started going crazy and beeping even more!
Try as I might, I couldn’t open or disable it, and this being the middle of the night, it sounded ridiculously loud. I wrapped it several times inside some blankets (which I happened to be sleeping on). That muffled it enough to not wake up my neighbors, but it still sounded annoying.
In the end, it turned off by itself, but I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I went ahead and made some coffee and wrote about it.
A rather stunning revelation I’ve had is that I don’t treat myself fairly…at all. Well, I’ve suspected it for a while, but these days I’m really onto it. Some of the most revealing insights come to us as we’re waking up.
Crossing the Threshold
I believe in the Hero’s Journey, and right now it feels like I’m crossing the threshold. Things have happened in such a way that I can never go back to who I thought I was. Being free is completely exciting and terrifying in turns.
Why can I be so passionate about other people, so eager to please, but feel so cold and negligent towards myself? I’m not letting myself off the hook until I can truly answer the question. Layers of illusions peel away when we fearlessly get to the heart of the matter.
The shop cats woke me up, so I decided to make a cup of coffee and write, contemplating the idea of being accountable; to myself, others, and life. I look over to the side and see this rather alien landscape that I call my bedroom. Things can be surreal at 3am.
There’s power in being accountable. There can also be fear, guilt, and shame. It’s the difference between choosing to be the creator of your reality or a victim of circumstance.
Once we discover our personal power, we can’t go back to being victims. I take responsibility for how I respond to things. I choose to be accountable.